


How to get away with murder (spoiler alert, you can’t)

by glockmemoir



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, He will be missed, Kim Junmyeon does not get paid enough for this shit, No Romance, Platonic Relationships, RIP Chanyeol, Slapping, idk why i tagged that but here you go, if you want kaisoo if you squint, kinda not really crack???, non-sexual slapping, this is kinda a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25445065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glockmemoir/pseuds/glockmemoir
Summary: Chanyeol decides to slap Kyungsoo while he's sleeping. Pray for him.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O & Park Chanyeol
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	How to get away with murder (spoiler alert, you can’t)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 1AM on a whim. 
> 
> Based off of a tumblr post that i linked at the end of the story bc idk how to link it here :(.

Chanyeol admits that he isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, as evidenced by the current ideas circulating through his brain. 

He was going to fucking _slap_ Kyungsoo in his sleep. 

He knows that it’s a stupid idea, one that will likely end with him losing a finger or two (or twelve, Kyungsoo would _definitely_ find a way to remove twelve fingers from his body), but Kyungsoo _had_ called him a useless telephone pole when they all had sat down for dinner earlier that day (or probably yesterday by now, considering it is currently past midnight), so in Chanyeol’s perfectly rational post- midnight mind, revenge was necessary. 

He had consulted Jongin, the poor guy, keeping his plans as inconspicuous as possible. Jongin would no doubt snitch to his _Kyungsoo-hyung_ If he got wind of the itch in Chanyeol’s right hand. 

“Say, if there was something that you truly, desperately wanted to do, something that _excited_ you to no end, yet scared you shitless, would you still do it?” He had asked, tilting his head to feign innocence. Widening his eyes would look creepy.

“Of course, hyung. It shouldn’t matter how scary something may seem, you should go through with it if it excites you so much. You miss 100 percent of the chances you don’t take.” Jongin, bless him, had answered, a philosophical glint to his eye. Chanyeol was oddly proud of him. 

“Brilliant! So you agree that I should slap Kyungsoo in his sleep? Bet.” Was Chanyeol’s reply [read: last words] before he was power walking towards Kyungsoo’s room in the dorm, where he knew the latter would be sleeping. He pointedly ignored Jongin’s shouts of “don’t do it, hyung!” and “you have so much to live for!”. Telling Chanyeol _no_ is equivalent to telling him _yes_ in his mind. Junmyeon doesn’t agree with his logic. 

This brings him to where he is now, standing over Kyungsoo’s sleeping form Freddy Krueger-style, staring down at the slumbering man with the biggest [read: creepiest] grin on his face. He takes a moment to admire the peaceful look on the other’s face, ingraining it into his memory to make disturbing it _that much sweeter_. 

He also takes a moment to glance around the small room, savoring the way the hall lights filtered into the room from the doorway, casting a spotlight onto the lone chair within it. It was empty, not a jacket nor stray t-shirt polluting it. He almost wishes something were there, just to make his last breathing moments that much more worth the death he would inevitably endure at the hands of an enraged Kyungsoo. It would make this that much more dramatic. 

It was silent, save for the few moments where the distant voices of the other members would drift into the room, small, incoherent fragments of the conversations going on from outside of Kyungsoo’s bedroom. Chanyeol is determined to disturb the peace. He hopes that at least his screams of agony could be heard from the outside. He left the door open on purpose. He’s stupid, but not _that_ stupid. 

Chanyeol then takes a moment to say a little prayer, asking whoever might be listening to watch over his family. He hopes they’ll understand that this, this was something that _had_ to happen. Kyungsoo _had_ to be slapped. It was an unwritten law, perhaps maybe the eleventh commandment. 

_Thou must slapeth Do Kyungsoo-eth. Amen._

He then thinks of the fans, his loyal (well, some of them) fans, his Yeolmates as they were coined, and how they would feel. They knew of his and Kyungsoo’s /friendly/ bickering. Perhaps they’d be impressed by the sheer _audacity_ he had to have to do such a stupid thing. Perhaps they’d be more impressed by Kyungsoo’s ability to actually kill someone almost a head taller than him. His pride is wounded and the competitiveness within him awakens. 

_Now is not the time, Chanyeol._

Lastly, Chanyeol thinks of his members. He can already hear the long suffering sigh that would escape from Junmyeon, frown engraved into his soft features. He hopes that he wouldn’t go too hard on Kyungsoo, considering that this was Chanyeol’s own dumb idea that lead to his downfall. He likes to think of himself as a Greek tragic hero, the Oedipus of EXO (sans the mother-fucking). He can see the eyerolls from Minseok and Jongdae alike, eerily in sync, as they gaze unto his mangled form. Jongdae would at least spare him a tear (a _drop for the homies_ , a tipsy Jongdae had called it). He reckons his demise would just mean one less loud messy person for Minseok. He’s strangely okay with that. 

Yixing would be sad, and the thought alone almost makes him change his mind (he doesn’t, one look at Kyungsoo’s extremely slapable face keeps him right where he is). He can only hope that Yixing wouldn’t be sad for long. Yixing doesn’t deserve to be sad. He deserves the world. Chanyeol should’ve written him into his will. 

Baekhyun would shake his head, a disappointed but unsurprised “bro” slipping from his lips. He doesn’t know who’d it be directed at. Jongin would also probably be sad, but not enough to cry over him. He has already made his allegiance to the enemy (Kyungsoo) apparent. One less Chanyeol means one less irritated Kyungsoo which means more hugs for Nini. Chanyeol is doing him a favor. 

He finally thinks of Sehun, then he automatically regrets it. He secretly thinks that the fucker has it out for him. Sehun wants to be named the tallest in EXO and would stop at _nothing_ to get it. Additionally, it would mean that Sehun’s lines would extend beyond his usual “E-X-O”. Chanyeol really is a philanthropist, doing all these favors for his members. 

Maybe he should stop being so dramatic. 

With one final look around the room, Chanyeol raises his right hand, eyes now staring daggers at the still- sleeping Kyungsoo. He bites his bottom lip as he zeroes in on Kyungsoo’s left cheek (he’s on his back, arms folded over his midriff with his head resting on it’s right side, leaving his left cheek to face upwards towards the ceiling). He’s practically asking for it, with how _inviting_ the plushy (is that even a _word_ ) stretch of skin looks, with how he’s basically _presenting_ it to Chanyeol, all wrapped in a shiny red bow (or a combination of drool and markings left from the creases of his pillow, details) and practically screaming “slap me! Plant a harsh _smack!_ on me, big boy!”. Please omit that last part. 

With a deep breath, Chanyeol swiftly brings his right hand down and- 

Completely _misses_. 

He ends up slapping Kyungsoo’s chest, but the damage has still been done. Kyungsoo awakes with a start, eyes narrowed into agitated slits as he scans the room, obviously looking for whoever just fucking _smacked him_ and- 

His eyes land on Chanyeol. 

Jongin screams from the doorway. 

.

.

.

The end (of Chanyeol).

(Based off of [this](https://totally-correct-kpop.tumblr.com/post/182308000290/jongin-if-it-excites-you-and-scared-the-crap-out) tumblr post)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, so please be nice to me. I am fragile. 
> 
> OT9 5ever.


End file.
